This was our second year going to Danny's Pepsi Mid America Christmas party. It was the 70th birthday, so it was a great celebration.
AND, I took no pictures...not a one. Can you believe it? My hair was fabulous ( I can say that..ha, because there are no pictures to prove otherwise) I was rocking out the beauty queen hair ( you know....hot rollers, a whole can of hairspray) I hardly got ready in time...how in the heck can I be responsible for getting a picture taken?
Sooo....this is my first experience with Assets. It was interesting. First, I took it out of the package, and it was about 2 inches wide and 3 inches long. How on earth was I suppose to get that dang thing on! I blame Oprah. Since she had Spanx on the show...I have been obsessed with getting me some "body shapers".
Alright, so it took me 20 minutes of cussing and pulling and laying down, then standing up to get the Asset contraption on. It eliminated all bulge. No more sagging butt, no more muffin top... lol. It pulled my bootie up high. Really, my bootie had NO BUSINESS being up there....for crying out loud, I am a mother of three. I felt like my butt was under my shoulder blades.
Then, I put on the tights. WTH. These things were as small as the Assets. Great. Another 20 minutes of fighting with these things. Now I had two layers of tightness. How in the hell am I going to pee now? I am not...lol. I have resolved to not drink anything. If I don't drink, I won't have to pee. Problem solved. (WRONG, I got thirsty! Da*n the chex mix they put out on the table!!! It sucked all moisture out of my mouth!!!) It took me 20 minutes to use the bathroom. I thought about just cutting the Assets and hose off of me.
Now, let me tell you about my shoes. Here they are.....only mine are brown.
I don't wear heels. AT ALL. I wore these because I wanted to impress my husband and look sexy. It backfired. You can't look sexy when you are hobbling around like an old woman. I had totally lost all feeling in my toes before we even got to the Christmas celebration. By the time we left, I was hobbling, and crying. Curse these Fred Flintstone feet. I was not made to wear shoes like this.
Other than that..we had a great time! Never mind getting pulled over on the way home. Long story short, Danny was doing 58 in a 40. ( We have been fighting about him speeding for a long time) I was sleeping, I woke up to see lights in the rear view. GREAT!!!!! Brett says " There goes Christmas!! " I would have nearly died laughing, but I was too mad that Danny was speeding. Apparently, I can't sleep. When I sleep, he speeds. Any hoo. They ask for his drivers license and stuff. This is where I get nervous because I know he is going to look up his driving record.
Yeah, Mr. Speeder has a great record. The cop comes back and asks if there is any reason why he shouldn't give Danny a ticket. ( This is where my nervous laughter starts) Then he says, "Mr. Speeder, you have a lengthy, 3 page record." ( Ok, he didn't call him Mr. Speeder, I added that for dramatic effect). Then he points his flashlight at Danny...and shoots a look of evil and says,
" If you can't drive any better than that, you need to let her drive!!". (at least we didn't get a ticket)
Humph...well said. I can't argue with that.
AND, I took no pictures...not a one. Can you believe it? My hair was fabulous ( I can say that..ha, because there are no pictures to prove otherwise) I was rocking out the beauty queen hair ( you know....hot rollers, a whole can of hairspray) I hardly got ready in time...how in the heck can I be responsible for getting a picture taken?
Sooo....this is my first experience with Assets. It was interesting. First, I took it out of the package, and it was about 2 inches wide and 3 inches long. How on earth was I suppose to get that dang thing on! I blame Oprah. Since she had Spanx on the show...I have been obsessed with getting me some "body shapers".
Alright, so it took me 20 minutes of cussing and pulling and laying down, then standing up to get the Asset contraption on. It eliminated all bulge. No more sagging butt, no more muffin top... lol. It pulled my bootie up high. Really, my bootie had NO BUSINESS being up there....for crying out loud, I am a mother of three. I felt like my butt was under my shoulder blades.
Then, I put on the tights. WTH. These things were as small as the Assets. Great. Another 20 minutes of fighting with these things. Now I had two layers of tightness. How in the hell am I going to pee now? I am not...lol. I have resolved to not drink anything. If I don't drink, I won't have to pee. Problem solved. (WRONG, I got thirsty! Da*n the chex mix they put out on the table!!! It sucked all moisture out of my mouth!!!) It took me 20 minutes to use the bathroom. I thought about just cutting the Assets and hose off of me.
Now, let me tell you about my shoes. Here they are.....only mine are brown.
I don't wear heels. AT ALL. I wore these because I wanted to impress my husband and look sexy. It backfired. You can't look sexy when you are hobbling around like an old woman. I had totally lost all feeling in my toes before we even got to the Christmas celebration. By the time we left, I was hobbling, and crying. Curse these Fred Flintstone feet. I was not made to wear shoes like this.Other than that..we had a great time! Never mind getting pulled over on the way home. Long story short, Danny was doing 58 in a 40. ( We have been fighting about him speeding for a long time) I was sleeping, I woke up to see lights in the rear view. GREAT!!!!! Brett says " There goes Christmas!! " I would have nearly died laughing, but I was too mad that Danny was speeding. Apparently, I can't sleep. When I sleep, he speeds. Any hoo. They ask for his drivers license and stuff. This is where I get nervous because I know he is going to look up his driving record.
Yeah, Mr. Speeder has a great record. The cop comes back and asks if there is any reason why he shouldn't give Danny a ticket. ( This is where my nervous laughter starts) Then he says, "Mr. Speeder, you have a lengthy, 3 page record." ( Ok, he didn't call him Mr. Speeder, I added that for dramatic effect). Then he points his flashlight at Danny...and shoots a look of evil and says,
" If you can't drive any better than that, you need to let her drive!!". (at least we didn't get a ticket)
Humph...well said. I can't argue with that.
1 comment:
Oh my gosh! Someone actually has a worse driving record than my husband!! I didn't know that was possible and still own a license! Classic.
Ouch on the poor feet. I'm with you, I don't wear heels often anymore and I hate having uncomfortable feet when I'm trying to have a good time.
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